Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
fired
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…