Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.