Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.