Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

prepare for carbonated trouble

i could never be president. im overqualified.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

j o i m p

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.