Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?