baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.