Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

the only bumper sticker ill allow

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink