Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
You Might Also Like
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
They’re on their honeymoon
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
men, we mow at sunrise.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night