Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
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[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
#SuperBowl
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.