Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
✌🏽
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
three things we don’t talk about
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
the world’s most popular steaming services
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny