Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

R.I.P.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*