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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
