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Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.