*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.