Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

😬

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.