*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I Can’t Tonight…
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
