Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
oh shit
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why