Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
? 💀
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.