Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Holy moly
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
So creative 😂
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”