Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My inexpensive home security system…
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
are there any atheist mantises?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Just got to our Airbnb!