Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

I was up all night reading about insomnia

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Life hack

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid