Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
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I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
this FaceApp is creepy af
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I am having an out of money experience.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit