Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer