Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.