Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A decision was made here.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?