[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”![]()
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I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My biggest fear is a killer saying some funny shit while I’m playing dead😭
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
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and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s