Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.