[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
You Might Also Like
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I just tested negative for patience.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.