Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

Your secret is safeish with me

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours