Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now