Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Always
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.