Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

It has been 3 years since Monday.

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

I never needed anything more in my life

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”