Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
You Might Also Like
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’