Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail