Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.