Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

What happened to the other hiker??!

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

we’re gonna need another temp

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

blocked.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.