Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
You Might Also Like
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.