Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

Every haunted house movie:

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

The best shot in the history of golf

Kermit goes Blue.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?