Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.