Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.