[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
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When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
thats my bad
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.