Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

The Sun

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something