Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

Intelligence is the new cleavage

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

◾️

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.