[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
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A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
had to share :’)
