Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Sponch

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??