@Tytayniss

Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!

Baby spy: *covers face with hands*

Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???

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@mrtruthandsoul

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

@adamgreattweet

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

@EJGomez

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

@mom_ontherocks

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@SortaBad

John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between