Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!
Baby spy: *covers face with hands*
Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Me: definitely not eating that
“Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!” –cemeteries
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.