Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!

Baby spy: *covers face with hands*

Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???

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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation


My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him


In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.


any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time


My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime


No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.


John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between