Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
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When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.