[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
let’s discuss
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good