Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
*punches hole in wall*
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.
Y’all ever look at old pictures of yourself and think “damn ppl really let me walk around like that” but then u look in the mirror and think “damn it’s happening again”
I’m more hampster than gangster according to autocorrect
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*