@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

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@Mom_Overboard

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

@notalogin

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

@stereofiasco

I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.

@SirEviscerate

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

@SirEviscerate

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

@onlxn

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

@EddieHarris216

6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.

@sweatyhairy

Y’all ever look at old pictures of yourself and think “damn ppl really let me walk around like that” but then u look in the mirror and think “damn it’s happening again”

@ShortSleeveSuit

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*