[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”