Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then