Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Fidel Castro was alive?

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”