Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
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The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Cha-ching is my safe word
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Stop