Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.