Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?