Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”