Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…