Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
The hardest thing Vision has to do
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed