Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good