Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

I think this cat is broken

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE