[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Um … Hot Wings please
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.