[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
spot the difference
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.