Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

😾

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!