Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.