Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
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My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
sweet dreams💖
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo