Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.