jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion