Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop