Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Hell yeah 👍
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Hmmmmm
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Feel. He’s so soft.