“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
New Tinder profile.
