Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
You Might Also Like
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son鈥檚 text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don鈥檛 have cars
You can鈥檛 make me jealous. You鈥檙e not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
ME: if you鈥檙e under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
馃幎 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 馃幎
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick鈥檚 Day!
Me: That鈥檚 today?
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Here鈥檚 a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you鈥檙e welcome
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Can鈥檛 wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”