Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
☠️
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
translated into Canadian
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.