Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
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Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁