Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
You Might Also Like
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice