Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
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Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I’m Sold!
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?